“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church & gave himself up for her”

“οἱ ἄνδρες, ἀγαπᾶτε τὰς γυναῖκας ἑαυτῶν, καθὼς καὶ ὁ Χριστὸς ἠγάπησε τὴν ἐκκλησίαν, καὶ ἑαυτὸν παρέδωκεν ὑπὲρ αὐτῆς”

Paul to the Church in Ephesus, 62 CE

One of the toughest sets of phone calls I ever received was from my best friend & his wife. He was deployed to Afghanistan with SPECWAR units doing HUMINT & counterinsurgency. They had been married a few years, and had an adorable little one. His wife was clearly shaken on the phone and in pain. She explained that my friend wanted a divorce. I had been in their wedding & grown up with him. They named a child after me. We were close. They were close. She had patched him back together and stayed by his side after traumatic injuries. She hoped I could talk to him & help.

I rang his phone, when we spoke, he was direct, “Kit, I fell out of love with Deb here in Kunar.”

Inside I was sad, stunned, grieved to my core. He had been honest, but I questioned his thinking. His emotions had shifted, but was love, & marriage itself, a feeling to be fallen out of?

Emotions can grow cold in relationships. Studies show that after about two years of marriage, the feeling of “newness” wears off. Physically the chemicals spiking our infatuation & all the butterflies recede. It is in this time that life with its dynamics, its “heavies” kicks in. It’s normal to ‘lose that lovin’ feeling’. But it’s not forever.

This is the moment to roll up our sleeves & really dig into the work -the wonder- of loving someone. The butterflies and excitement come back. A Team Guy recently told me, “the best part of marriage, Chaps, is companionship. I had to learn to give more of myself. I had to let myself depend on my wife—allowing that emotional closeness.”

They are twenty years into this adventure. You know what’s awesome? God cares a lot about the outcome, and is close in to help them, & all of us, to succeed.

Paul’s words to the Ephesian Church lift Christ’s supremacy above all competitors. He urges Christians to be different. In the early 60s CE, the Apostle wrote from a Roman prison to young believers in Ephesus. It was a wealthy, influential, west coast port city in Rome’s province of Asia—modern day Turkey. Home to the 7th Wonder of the World, the great Temple of Artemis was a bustling center of learning, which supported many outlying towns. The Ephesian theater seated 20,000!

Inspired by the Holy Spirit, Paul told them, “Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church & gave Himself up for her.” He laid out a way of relating that must have felt foreign to them. To the men, a challenging word, ‘your love should mirror Jesus Christ’s for the Church. For the church is His body. Love your wife as you love yourself. Sacrifice your will, your desires for her best. All the time, no matter what.’ He explained that wives were to respect their husbands & submit to their authority as husbands. For women, from a city dedicated to the feared goddess of the hunt, this was likely a hard pill to swallow.

‘Respect and submit to this man? How can I trust his decision-making & intentions?’

Honestly, this dynamic cannot work in the world. But among Christians it can. Why? Because both want what is best for the other. They both recognize they are equals made in God’s image. The wife, seeking to honor the Lord, yields place to her husband, to protect, honor & cherish her & the family, as Jesus would. The godly husband is locked-on to serve his family & seek his wife’s best & her counsel in all things. But he also ‘owns’ the moment with critical decisions affecting the family’s spiritual & physical well-being.

Think back to times you were deployed or separated from your partner due to operational requirements. Many of us were married, some engaged, many single. Today I share these thoughts with you, because I believe God wants each of us to elevate our belief about marriage, to align our covenantal promises with His truth. Ultimately He’s calling us to deepen our resolve to faithfully love our spouse for the long haul. The journey is an adventure, & the destination’s outcome: enduring love, trust, and half a century of memories & wins. Totally worth it.

For those considering marriage. I am excited for you. It’s also a great time to look UP, look ahead, & to God for discernment. Check in with wise older friends for counsel that’s specific to your life.

Follow On

• Go to a Marriage Retreat annually. Weekend to Remember does a great job. They hold retreats across the country. https://www.familylife.com/weekend-to-remember/

Most Pastors of churches would love a call or text asking them what local workshops or retreats might be good for you.

• Marriage coaching or counseling is a gamechanger! Check in with your Unit Chaplain, Family Life Chaplain (Army) or CREDO Chaplain (USMC, NAVY, Coast Guard), or Base Chaplain (USAF/Space Force). You can also look for a Christian Counselor with an LPC, LCSW, LMFT license or a Biblical Counselor via Focus on the Families Network: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/counseling-services-and-referrals/

• If you want to listen to podcasts check out material from the Gottman Institute https://www.gottman.com , Love & Respect, with Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has excellent webinars & regular content updates, https://www.loveandrespect.com also TWJ.org features a podcast with my sister and her husband a retired Marine, Nora White and LtCol. Danny White. They are a blended family who overcame the traumatic auto accident death of Danny’s previous spouse & two children: https://thewarriorsjourney.org/podcast/episode-75/

• 4 Book Recommendations:

The 5 Love Languages Military Edition

Sacred Marriage

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage

Daily Strength for the Battle (Vol. 3): Building Resilient Marriages & Families

**Names & Locations were altered to protect confidentiality

About Blog Author:

Kit Carlson has served alongside Marines, Sailors, Soldiers & Special Forces, and has completed three deployments. In 2020, the Navy assigned him to Duke University’s Divinity School to earn a specialized Master’s Degree, ThM, in Pastoral Care, where he focused his studies on challenges to Active Duty personnel, Veterans and their families. His specific areas of interest include care for persons with Complex Trauma, strategies for healing from PTSD, Moral Injury, & mild TBI. A key personal mission of his is to leverage the strengths of faith-based Veteran Service Organizations as strategic partners to chaplains, the VA, and the DoD in their ongoing resiliency & suicide prevention initiatives. He is married to his Chilean sweetheart, Damaris. They have two young children, who are the delight of their hearts.